My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
