i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
