The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
