This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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