The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
