Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
