life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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