My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
