Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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