Please, let me fuck your mom
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize