This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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