Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
