im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
