I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
