Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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