You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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