i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
