im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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