My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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