Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
