i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize