I'm passing your future prison.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
