I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
