i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
