i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize