I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
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