I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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