I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
