There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
