his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
