I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
