I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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