I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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