Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did you just see the Batmobile???
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize