JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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