He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
