Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
