The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You dont lie about slip and slides
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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