is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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