never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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