You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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