If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
