Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
