Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
