I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
