You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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