I feel like abortions should bother me more
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
