And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
