Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
