Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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